Some Things You Should Know
by anaeifly
Summary: If you're planning on joining the crew of the Enterprise, there are a few things you should probably know about its captain. Eventual K/S slash. T for safety, mostly.
1. Calling All Angels

_When there is no place safe and no safe place to put my head, when you feel the world shake from the words that are said...~Train_, Calling All Angels

When Jim's older brother Sam left, Jim pretty much lost whatever faith he had had in the world to begin with—and it wasn't much. Because despite what Sam had said, he _did _understand that you couldn't be a Kirk in their house. He understood, implicitly, that Frank hated his father, and that Winona hated any mention or reminder of his father, and so between the two of them Sam—who acted a lot like his father—and Jim—who looked a lot like his father—could never really be who they were.

So the day Sam left was pretty much the day Jim lost his hope.

At first he tried to fight it. He tried to be a perfect kid, figuring if he was good enough they'd let him be himself, but that didn't work. In fact, it failed quite spectacularly. And that was when he decided to drive his dad's car off a cliff.

Now, granted, when he got older he'd tell every kid he ever met to never do something like that, because it would make every psychologist you ever met question your sanity before they even got to know you, but the truth was if he had to go back and do it again, he'd do the exact same thing. Because honestly, when he was cutting off Frank's message and laughing his ass off at the cop trying to pull him over and barely managing to throw himself out of the car before he went over the cliff with it, it wasn't only the first time he ever really felt like a Kirk. It was also the first time he ever really felt _safe_.


	2. If It's Love, pt 1

_Hold our cell phones up in the air and just be glad that we made it here alive, on a spinning ball in the middle of space… ~Train, _If It's Love

Yeah, Jim Kirk totally agrees with that line there.

He's not too crazy about the rest of the song, because it's ridiculously romantic and he is so _not _a romantic it's not even funny, but he's pretty sure whoever wrote the song got at least that line right. And that's not even really because of the fact that he lives in Iowa, which of all the states is probably the one with the most tiny towns and little places to make you feel like you (and the world you're living in) are the size of a pin. No, it's just mostly the fact that no matter how important you are, or at least _should _be, nobody gives a shit about you because you're just one person in the whole huge universe.

Or it could just be that, essentially, it's true. That's all Earth is, really, a spinning ball in the middle of space. Yeah, let's go with that.

And he _is _glad he made it here alive. Really. Sort of. Because even if he didn't really want to go to Starfleet Academy because he didn't want to give people another reason to see his dad instead of him when they look at him, he can at least recognize that he's lucky to still be alive, after God only knows how many bar fights and 30-day lockup stints. If anything, it's a bit of a relief to get away from the whole 'living on the edge' thing, getting into a safe, contained environment—and it's even better because he still doesn't have to commit to anyone. The thing is, he's never really been able to get anyone to agree with him on this particular point, because nobody thinks at all the way he does.

_Damn_, life sucks sometimes.


	3. Wake Me Up Inside

_Wake me up inside  
__Wake me up inside  
Call my name and save me from the dark  
Bid my blood to run  
Before I come undone  
Save me from the nothing I've become...~Evanescence_, Wake Me Up Inside

Jim hadn't felt this alive since he drove his dad's car off a cliff.

Not that that was what this was about—or it hadn't been, anyway. He'd seen Professor Spock around campus a number of times, knew he programmed the Kobayashi Maru, and decided to see if he could break that perfect composure, figure out whether he could be such a pain in the ass as to actually piss off a Vulcan. That was it. Never in a million years would he have predicted _this_.

Sure, he loved Bones, but not in _that_ way, and even if he did love him that way they both knew better than to try anything. They were fucked up enough as individuals for it _not_ to be predictable that, combined, they would be a train wreck. But still…what he had with Bones was more emotion than he'd felt since Sam left, and it hadn't changed the fact that he was, essentially, dead inside. So, of course, he pretty much figured that nothing would.

And then he'd met Spock.

He had no idea what it was about the guy—he was a _Vulcan_, for God's sake—but something about him just made him feel like…what? Like he was an insignificant nothing? Well, maybe he _should _have felt that way, but instead he felt, bizarrely, like someone had lit a fire inside his soul. Like he had woken up.

And he knew, somehow, that he couldn't fall asleep again. Not as long as Spock of Vulcan was alive.


	4. Closer

_I wanna fuck you like an animal  
__I wanna feel you from the inside  
I wanna fuck you like an animal  
My whole existence is flawed  
You get me closer to God  
You can have my isolation  
You can have the hate that it brings  
You can have my absence of faith  
You can have my everything...~Nine Inch Nails_, Closer

Honestly, this whole thing was really just too weird for words.

Then again, how could it not be? He'd just met an older version of Spock from, like, three hundred years in the future, who practically _loved _him, and now the present Spock, _his _Spock, was absolutely pissed off and trying to kill him and all he could think was, _Damn, is he sexy._

He actually wasn't too mad at Spock. Well, sure, maybe it was just a bit of an overreaction to try to _choke _him, but the thing was—he could see that Spock had pretty much gone numb inside after the destruction of Vulcan and the death of his mother, and Jim, of all people, got that. He really did. He also got, though, that you couldn't stay that way, that no matter how rude an awakening it might be, you had to start _feeling _again at some point. Spock had done it for him, whether he'd meant to or not. And now it was his turn.

And there was just something so breathtaking about the sheer _passion _running through Spock, emanating from him, that made Jim feel kind of high. After all, he did know a thing or two about anger sex—mainly that it was, like, the best sex ever. He supposed make-up sex probably came as a close second, but seeing as he generally avoided serious relationships like the plague, he couldn't really say much about that.

So there he was, literally bent backwards over some console on the Bridge, with Spock's incredibly strong, _hot _hands around his throat, and some perverse part of him really just wanted to get closer to the Vulcan, to get under his skin in the most literal sense. So maybe that made him crazy.

The funny thing was, he would swear Spock was thinking the exact same thing.


	5. Anything But Ordinary

_Is it enough to love?  
Is it enough to breathe?  
Somebody rip my heart out  
And leave me here to bleed  
Is it enough to die?  
Somebody save my life  
I'd rather be anything but ordinary, please...~Avril Lavigne_, Anything But Ordinary

It took him a while, and turned out to admittedly be more of a credit to the Enterprise's computer than to the observational skills of its captain, but Jim Kirk finally managed to track down his newly-appointed first officer on the holodeck. He paused after stepping inside, both apprehensive of the impending conversation and quite taken aback by his surroundings. After a moment, he steeled himself and moved forward to stand next to Spock.

"Can I help you, Captain?"

Jim glanced sideways at the Vulcan, trying to figure out how, exactly, he should answer that. What _was_ he doing here, besides the obvious? It had never really been in his nature to apologize. He decided to ignore the question for the moment. "I gotta say, Spock, I never really would've pegged you for a holodeck kind of person," he said casually, looking around them again. Then he grinned. "Twenty-first century New York City, huh? Wanna go see a play?"

For a second, he could've sworn he saw Spock's lips quirk upward in a tiny smile, but it was gone before his brain really had the chance to process it. "As tempting as that sounds,Captain," Spock replied dryly, "I do not come here for entertainment so much as to observe the people here." He paused, watching a man in women's clothing walk by. "Although that does, on occasion, serve as a form of entertainment in itself."

Jim had to laugh at that. "Yeah, New Yorkers do make for a bit of a case study, don't they?"

"Indeed, Captain."

They fell silent, but to Jim's surprise it was a kind of companionable silence, like they were already friends, and it was something he found he liked and..._wanted_. Or, more specifically, he didn't want it to end. After a while, he managed to work up the courage to actually say something, little though he wanted to.

"Look, Spock...I came to find you because I wanted to apologize." Spock just looked at him, but he didn't interrupt, which Jim took as a signal to go on. "What I said to you during the whole Nero thing was way out of line. And I didn't mean it," he added forcefully. If nothing else, Spock had to realize _that_. "I know you loved her. I'm not as stupid as some people think I am."

Spock raised an eyebrow. "I am aware of that," he said after a moment. "I am also aware of the fact that my elder self convinced you to emotionally compromise me, and I therefore cannot and will not hold your actions against you, although I would have preferred that you had used different means to assume command."

Jim sighed. "Yeah, me too." Several seconds passed. "Wait, you know about..." he started, something his first officer had said suddenly clicking into place in his mind. "I thought you weren't supposed to know about him! That the universe would explode or something if you did."

The tiny smile reappeared for a split second. "Hardly. My elder self merely wished for our relationship to develop without any further interference from him. Strangely enough, as a result I find that I may eventually enjoy your company enough to consider you a friend."

Jim stared at him, half bewildered and half amused. "You know, if I translate that sentence right, I think you just gave me a compliment."

"I can easily understand why my counterpart would have taken a liking to yours. I can foresee a friendship similar to theirs developing between us, should we let it."

"Do you think we should?"

There was a pause. "I believe it would be both enjoyable and beneficial to both of us if we did. Despite our previous interactions, I cannot imagine truly disliking you when my counterpart was such good friends with your own."

Jim chewed his lower lip, a habit he had picked up from his mother as a kid. "I guess I see your point there," he said after a few minutes of contemplation. "I think I could really get to like you, with enough time. But..." he hesitated. He forced himself to contine a second later. "As for you liking me-well, I'd be willing to bet that I'm a lot different from my counterpart."

Spock looked at him. "Why would you think that?"

Jim thought for a moment. "Well, for one thing, he knew his dad. There's one _huge _difference right there. And because of that, I bet he got things done a lot differently. Your...the other you, he said that where he was from, my father was my inspiration for joining Starfleet. Here..." He paused again, struggling for the right words. "Here, my dad was the reason I said no to Pike at first. Because from about the time I hit 10, nobody who looked at me ever saw me-they saw the ghost of my dad. I figured if I joined Starfleet, it would just reinforce that, so instead I just devoted myself to getting into as much trouble as I could, because I knew for a fact my dad was never a delinquent. And it worked pretty well, until Pike found me in that bar. He managed to convince me it wouldn't hurt to be just a little bit like my dad. I never expected I'd end up a hero like him, or that I wouldn't hate it if I did. I know people still kinda see my dad when they look at me, but that usually doesn't last long. I'm too abrasive." He laughed a little at his own description, rather harsh but still true.

There was a long silence, and for a moment Jim wondered whether he should just leave, but then Spock spoke up. "My human heritage has a been a source of irritation for me. I have always been expected to be more Vulcan than any of my peers. If I betrayed even the slightest hint of emotion, the disapproval from others was twice what it would have been had I been a full-blooded Vulcan. My rejection of the Vulcan Science Academy was attributed to my so-called 'human emotionalism', despite the fact that I displayed no emotion when I appeared in front of the Council. When I enlisted in Starfleet, I had very little contact with my family; the more I communicated with my mother, the more human my Vulcan peers considered me to be, and I was not on speaking terms with my father because of my decision to join Starfleet as opposed to the Vulcan Science Academy. It was not until only recently that I realized that his distance was not due to anger at my decision; rather, he felt that I was rejecting _him_. It was a highly confusing situation to be in, one I doubt any other Vulcan has experienced."

Jim laughed slightly. "Kinda makes you wonder what it'd be like to have a normal life, doesn't it?"

"Indeed, Captain."

He laughed again, and then they stayed silent for several minutes before Jim spoke. "What do you think about a game of chess?"


	6. Raise Your Glass

_So raise your glass if you are wrong  
In all the right ways, all my underdogs  
We will never be never be anything but loud  
And nitty gritty dirty little_ _freaks..._ ~Pink, Raise Your Glass

It's way too damn loud in the rec room, and Jim knows it, but he can't quite bring himself to care.

"Okay, guys," he says into the mike, his voice a little hoarse, "I picked out this song especially for all of you, because it just totally describes all of us perfectly. So I want to see _everyone_ dancing, okay? If you see someone who _isn't_ dancing, you have my full permission to drag them out onto the dance floor." His words are met with loud cheers from his crew, and he grins because even though he has no idea where his best friend is, he can practically _see_ Bones's scowl in the dim light.

"Hit it!"

And then it's all a blur, a flurry of movement, of bodies, touches, lights, voices. He's so used to it, it's comforting in a way, to see that he still fits into the party scene.

It's New Year's Eve, a whole year since they set out for the great unknown, and quite frankly, no one could more surprised—or pleased—than Jim that none of the injuries inflicted on his crew were inflicted by_ other_ crewmembers. He's even more impressed by the fact that he and Spock are not only no longer always at each other's throats, they're actually friends. He still has to watch himself, though; he never quite got over that fiery feeling that he got during the Narada incident, and he can't help thinking that Spock probably wouldn't react too well to the knowledge that his captain was sexually attracted to him. Not to mention what Uhura might do to him.

And speaking of Spock…

"Spock!" he exclaims. "What're you doing? Didn't you hear me say I wanted everyone to dance? And don't say you don't dance," he added hastily when Spock opened his mouth. "I've seen you dance with Uhura plenty of times. Where is she, anyway?"

Spock's mouth is a thin line. "I do not know. I have not seen her today." There's something…_off _with the way he says that.

Jim frowns. "Something wrong, Spock?"

Spock, who had been watching the people on the dance floor, turns slightly to look at Jim again. Jim holds his eyes, hoping that the message he's trying to send—_don't bother trying to lie, you know I'll figure it out anyway_—is, in fact, getting across. It seems to be, because Spock gives a minute sigh and says, "Lieutenant Uhura and I have terminated our romantic relationship."

"Oh." God, he should really _not _be happy about that. "Well…um…I'm sorry. I mean…I hope you're okay. You know, not, like, sad or anything." Jim's starting to think that his brain has lost control of his mouth. Seriously. What the _hell _is going on here?

Spock's looking at him kind of funny. "Vulcans do not get 'sad', Jim," he replies evenly. Jim rolls his eyes.

"Well, no, obviously you don't feel at all, as a certain incident on the Bridge conclusively proved—"

Spock continues as though he hasn't heard Jim speak, although Jim knows full well that he _did _hear him, and he's quite sure Spock knows that he knows. "However, I must confess to a certain negative reaction to inflicting emotional pain on Nyota. It was not my intention to do so, and she is still quite important to me."

Jim nods. "I know what you mean." Then he remembers why he started this conversation in the first place. "So what, now you can't dance with Uhura so you're not gonna dance at all?"

Spock raises an eyebrow. "I am only here now because you asked me to be, Captain. I see no reason to dance."

"Bullshit," Jim replies, practically before Spock is done talking. He grabs his first officer by the arm and pulls him out to the dance floor. "Come on."

Once they're on the floor, Jim wants to dance, but he can tell that Spock isn't going to do it, so for a moment they just stand there staring at each other, and then Jim hears a snatch of the song he picked out.

_Slam slam, oh hot damn What part of party don't you understand Wish you'd just freak out (freak out already)_

He catches Spock's eye, biting back a laugh, and notices that Spock looks like he's trying very hard not to roll his eyes. Jim smirks, looking away so that he doesn't burst out laughing or worse.

"Why did you pick out this particular song for the crew, Captain?"

Jim looks back at Spock for a second, then looks away again. He can easily picture Spock's eyebrow going up again.

"Jim."

He turns back, grinning (Spock again looks like he wants to roll his eyes), and replies, "Well, it's just, this song, it reminds me of how we are. I mean, we're all pretty much underdogs or weirdos, aren't we? No offense," he adds quickly, before Spock can get the wrong idea.

Spock nods. "Is that also the reason for the 'red alerts' that you conducted during the first four months of our mission?" he asks.

Jim winces, blushing slightly. It had actually been Pike's idea to conduct some false red alerts—it would bring the crew's efficiency levels up, and that, in turn, would result in more successful missions and less reason for anyone to criticize them. He had forgotten, though, that it might be a good idea to warn Spock about it beforehand. That had resulted in their first actual argument as captain and first officer, and it had freaking sucked—Spock nearly transferred because he was convinced that Jim didn't trust him (he didn't actually say as much, but Jim knew how to read between the lines). Talk about mistakes.

"Yeah," he says, finally. "I really am sorry about that, you know," he adds.

Spock looks at him, an unreadable expression on his face. "I do know," he replies after a moment. There's another, slightly longer pause before he continues, "You are quite an unorthodox captain, Jim, but you are nonetheless very good at what you do."

Jim frowns. "Is that your way of saying, 'I think you're kinda crazy, but you're all right'?" he asked, taking a sip of his drink.

"I believe that is what I just said."

Jim chokes.

Seriously, Spock is fucking _awesome_.


	7. Love The Way You Lie

_All I know is I love you too much to walk away though...~Eminem ft. Rihanna_, Love the Way You Lie

Jim isn't actually particularly fond of space travel.

Not that being on the Enterprise freaks him out or anything, mind. It's not even really being in space that bugs him. It's just the traveling part, the idea of being between places, that really gets to him, which is why he tends to stay away from the observation deck. Normally, though, he's able to just put it out of his head and get on with things. Normally.

Today is _not _a normal day.

Just yesterday, the Enterprise picked up the Romulan leader and his daughter Tal'kara for negotiations with the Federation, which might have worked out okay if it weren't for the fact that the guy Tal'kara was supposed to be marrying freaked out about her being around so many other guys and started following the Enterprise.

Even that, though, wouldn't _really_ have been all that bad—at least, not if that had been it, but it hadn't. Because after Tal'kara had realized what was going on, she decided to tell her idiot fiancé that she could do whatever she wanted with whoever she wanted—which she accomplished by kidnapping Spock and stealing the Galileo. The fiancé had, in turn, challenged Spock to some kind of Romulan fight to the death that Jim really didn't understand right now. The point was, Spock could _die_.

"And you're just telling me this _now_? Spock, you've been gone for, like, six hours!" Okay, so maybe he sounds a little like an anxious mother right now, but that can be excused in light of the situation.

…Right?

Spock looks, weirdly, simultaneously like he is trying not to roll his eyes and also like he is trying not to bite his lip, or some other totally un-Vulcan expression of discomfort. "Captain, this is the first opportunity I have had so far to communicate with you. If—"

Jim rolls his eyes. "Whatever, Spock. Just give me a second and we can get you the hell out of there."

"Actually, Captain," Uhura interrupts, "the rules of the combat dictate that once the person being challenged has accepted the challenge, they must complete the fight. So if Spock accepted this Romulan's challenge..." She trails off, glancing at Spock's image on the viewscreen. "At the risk of sounding unprofessional-_please _tell me you didn't accept."

Spock looks distinctly uncomfortable. "Of course I accepted. It would have been considered dishonorable to decline."

Jim groans. "_Spock. _You're not a Klingon. Honor doesn't matter here-what matters is getting you out of this alive. You do care about that, right? Or am I the only one who gives a shit whether you live or die?" Jim is only vaguely aware of the fact that it's quite possible he's losing his mind. If Spock dies...

"Captain, I-" Spock starts, at the same time that Uhura says, "Jim, listen, I'm sure we can find a way around this, just-"

Jim completely loses it then. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knows that neither of them are trying to be condescending-he's good friends with both of them by now, even Uhura, though she did rather inexplicably give him the cold shoulder for nearly a month after her break-up with Spock-but all he can think at the moment is that they both sound like they're talking to a child. "No! Seriously. God knows I don't understand what the hell is going on where you are, Spock, but I don't give a shit. I am on a fucking giant _sardine can _in the middle of space and I am so stressed out I can't even fucking _breathe_, and if you don't get back here alive soon I literally have no idea how I'm supposed to survive that, so _fuck _honor. Just get the hell back here."

It takes him a moment to realize that everyone on the Bridge is staring at him (which includes Bones, and when did he get there?) and only a few seconds longer before he realizes what he just said. As for Spock...well, he can't actually bring himself to look at his first officer, but he's sure he's staring at Jim.

He turns to Bones. "Doctor...I think there's a possibility I'm emotionally compromised. I...resign command for the remainder of this mission and ask that Lieutenant Chekov temporarily take my place." Before anyone can respond, Jim turns and walks (well, refrains from running, at least) off the Bridge.

Fucking _Romulans_.


End file.
